Try to understand

I looked at Yunus who was nodding his head, agreeing with our friend Shamail. Though we were all gathered to celebrate his wife’s birthday, they seem to be involved in a very important discussion that they have forgotten about the rest of the gang. As I continued to gaze at him, I felt the familiar ache in my heart, a desire that has to be ignored for now because the time and the situation does not allow it.

Words cannot describe the amount of love burning through my soul and eating its way to the very core. But I have to be in control because I knew what I was getting myself into form the very beginning. So I smiled at his wife Zulfa who was as huge as a house and looked like she would give birth in a matter of seconds. She spoke to the person sitting next to her and she rubbed her bloated tummy which housed and nurtured their baby.

I looked away as the huge wave of jealousy engulfed me, feeling lonely and slightly guilty. ‘I am a home wrecker’, I thought feeling miserable. That very moment I caught him looking at me. When our gaze met, I was reassured that I wasn’t a home wrecker and I felt at ease and tried to enjoy the party.

When I reached home, I slowly opened the door to the apartment praying that no one would be home. I was welcomed by pin drop silence. ‘They must have gone for a walk, I thought happily as I slipped into my room and dropped my bag on the night stand. I stood in front of the mirror and no matter how hard I tried not to think of Yunus and his wife, my mind hurled back to the thoughts that depressed me most.

“I’m in love with wrong guy”, I finally managed to tell myself. Just then the phone rang and I didn’t even have to look at the display, I knew it was him. As soon as his deep melodical voice reached my ears, my worries left my heart and once again, it overflowed with love and longing. We chatted for a while and then he had to say goodnight. I tried to sleep but my body refused to comply so I tossed and turned for a good hour before I drifted off into the dreamland.

In my dreams, I usually meet him on the beach on the day I was trying to decide whether I should get divorced. Since he had been my friend for quite some time, I confided him about my marriage, about how I married a man that I didn’t love hoping that I would be able to love some day. You see, my ex-husband did love me a lot but the feeling wasn’t mutual. My friends and my family members urged me to accept his proposal since he was a well educated man coming from a good family.

While I dated him even, I tried to like him but my efforts failed me. My heart refused to love him and I told him frankly. He said he didn’t mind, it would all work out in the end. My friends advised me to marry him, according to them, once I married him, I would fall in love with him in no time. However, it never happened and as we reached our first anniversary, my husband even lost interest in me and though we were married we were like two stranger sharing the same bed at night.

I knew that he would never divorce me and I had to face this on my own. But once again, my friends barged into my life with their advice list. This time, having a baby was on top of their list. I knew for sure that a baby would not be able to make me fall in love with a man that I didn’t even fancy in the first place but I didn’t have the guts to do it. That’s when Yunus came into my life and on that very first day, when I opened my heart to him, I fell in love with him. Yes, I knew that he was married and that his wife was pregnant. That’s why I kept my feelings to myself until one day, he told me about his life.

His marriage was the result of two best friends with broken hearts trying to help each other. Yunus and his wife worked in the same office, their lovers left them and they were heartbroken. They were just having a coffee in the office canteen when they decided that love was not important, a friend who they could trust would be more appropriate as a life partner and that was it, they got married the next month and tried for a baby. After celebrating their first month together, his wife gave him the good news.

So after that particular afternoon in the beach, we started meeting each other there, just to talk and then we fell in love each other. After my divorce, Yunus and I started meeting each more frequently but I didn’t ask him to divorce his wife for me. But as the days continued, I so desperately wanted him to. He told me that he would, once the baby was born, he would talk to his wife and then walk into my life forever. I felt delirious just by thinking about it.

In my dreams sometimes I saw myself seated in the beach, my feet’s buried in the pearl white sand and the waves creating a soft rhythm to sooth my heart. When I look up, I would see Yunus, tall and handsome, dressed in a white shirt and blue jeans, his straight hair falling into his eyes, walking with open arms towards me. I would jump up and run into his open arms, hugging him with all my might, to never let go. However, this time, my dream was different. I woke up and checked the clock and realized that it was just three in the morning. What an awful dream, I thought, but I must seriously think about it, I thought to myself as I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I flopped down on the sofa and thought about what I would do. I was sure about one thing, I had to do the right thing this time.

When I packed my bag and walked out of the house my mobile phone slipped from my palm and before it could hit the ground and break into a million pieces, Yunus caught it. I was grateful that he caught it and looked at him with an empty face. His eyes pleaded me, and even thought he didn’t speak, I heard his pleas. I tried to muster up every teensy weensy bit of courage that I had and faced him. We shook our hands for the last time and as the taxi approached my house, I got into it and never looked back, because I didn’t want him to see my tears, I didn’t want him to follow me.

As I sat in the small airplane, I looked out of the window for one last time before the plane took off to reach its destination, my island. Yes, I have done the right thing this time. I tried to smile bravely to myself, instead, I started weeping quietly. All I know is that a baby would need its mother and father, Yunus and Zulfa did get along well even though they were not in love with each other. My heart would heal and maybe I would fall in love again, time would heal everything. Yunus’s baby would have both parents to take care of him and that thought makes me happy no matter what and I hope that he would understand that I could never ruin an innocent child's life.