I Hate You

I hate parties, so why am I getting ready in the first place, I wondered as I applied some mascara on my eyelashes. Well, the answer was quite simple. If I didn't go to this party, I would never hear the end of it from my best friend. Jasmin loved parties and I'm suppose to oblige and accompany her whenever she decided to go to a party. Besides, she's the nicest person I've ever met and she has always been there for me, so I guess that explains it all.

As soon as we entered the party, I noticed him. He was involved in a very important discussion with another guy. As he looked up, he saw us at the entrance and his gaze lingered over us for a brief moment and his friend was bestowed with his attention once again. Jasmin was a professional at social gatherings, so she was soon happily moving in the sea of familiar and unfamiliar faces, nodding her head and saying exactly what was right, unlike me.

I smiled at a girl I knew from my school days and went over to the drinks table and reached for a glass when his hand brushed against mine. I looked up just in time meet his beautiful eyes. We smiled at each other and he introduced himself. 'Hi, I'm Shahudh'. What a nice name, I thought as I introduced myself. We sat down and started talking like old friends. Suddenly I forgot about my best friend and both of us drowned into a world of our own, as if the rest of the party suddenly disappeared.

After that night, we became great friends. Every morning he would call me as soon as he woke up and then gradually our friendship blossomed into something special, love. We started dating and I was the happiest girl in the whole world. My parents wanted to me to go abroad for higher studies but ignored them and started looking for a job. Since I just finished high school education, it was not so easy but still, I managed to get a job.

My parents and my friends tried to advice me but Shahudh was the most important person in the universe, I could never leave him. I even asked him what I should and he just shrugged and said in cool voice, “it’s up to you darling”.

As the end of year approached, everyone got really excited. Since 1999 was coming to an end, people all over the world wanted to celebrate the new millennium in an unforgettable way. I already knew what I would do, ofcourse, be with my sweetheart. Every time I thought about the approaching New Year, I felt delirious because I had a feeling that Shahudh was going to propose. I knew I was young but the last seven months with him had been simply heavenly.

On the last day of December, we went for a walk. As we strolled down the beach hand in had, he suddenly stopped. I looked up into his eyes and for a minute I thought I saw regret or perhaps sadness in his eyes. He then drew me into his arms and hugged me and lowered his head and whispered in my ears, “I know and I believe that you love me very much, don’t ever forget that”. He didn’t let me ask anything and said that he just wanted me to know as we continued our walk.

I watched him ride off in him motorcycle and wondered what he was up to. Was he going to commit suicide or was he really sick? No way I thought as I entered my house, he was just trying to be romantic but still I felt really uncomfortable, I had this nagging feeling that something terrible, bad was looming around the corners, waiting patiently to creep up on me and take me by surprise.

That night as the clock announced that it was midnight, I called Shahudh to wish him a happy new year. He sounded a bit distant and the he grumbled same to you, I think and then he hung up. He must be really tired. I thought and continued to watch Kaafage Vaahaka on TVM.

The next day I waited patiently for him to come by or call, but he didn’t. I thought that he was going to surprise me with a ring so I dressed with extra care that night. I waited for him to come, we had planned to go out. I waited in the living room and then suddenly the phone rang. I quickly grabbed the receiver and said hello. It was him, and then I felt like someone just stabbed a knife into my heart and left my there to bleed myself to death. He finished his message and hung up. I tried to call him but he didn’t answer my call.

How could he break up with me, I cried as I ran upstairs and got into my room. Nothing made sense. He had been so loving and caring. I cried and sobbed into my pillow the whole night. In the morning I tried to call him again, but he didn’t answer the phone. His last words brought fresh tears into my eyes and I felt my heart break over and over. “Look Hamna, I never loved you, I don’t think that we could be happy together, so don’t EVER call me again”.

By the end of January, I lost a lot of weight and looked like a matchstick doll. My parents and friends were concerned and they knew the reason as well. They advised me to move on since my efforts to contact him were fruitless. But I was worried about Shahudh, may be he was sick or dying, that’s why he might just let me go like that so that I wouldn’t be there to watch him suffer. I wanted to be with him no matter what.

My best friend agreed to go and meet Shahudh with me after I begged her about a million times. Since Shahudh refused to meet me or answer my calls, may be he might just show his face if Jasmine went instead. So we went to his house and I wanted outside. After about five minutes I heard his familiar voice. He was laughing at something Jasmine said and then he saw me. 

The first word that he uttered was “shit”. 

He looked as handsome as ever, I was glad to see him in good health. All this time I thought that he was really sick.

Finally I managed to say, “Are you ok”. 

He just shrugged his shoulders and looked really annoyed. 

“Look I told you to never bother me’, he said in a serious voice. 

"I thought you were dying, I managed to croak. He just raised his eyebrows. 

“The last time we..we went for a w.. walk, you said that y...you believes that I loved you very much, I stammered. 

He squared his shoulders and folded his hands and then started. “I really tried not to hurt your feelings, but you leave me no choice, I never loved you. I noticed you in the party when I was looking for a girl to date till the year ended. I wanted to break up with a girl on the first day of the new millennium", he finished off.

I stood there stunned and then I realized that he was telling me the truth. After all, on our last walk, he told me that he believed that I loved him, he didn’t say anything about his feelings. I started shaking with rage and then I walked up to him and slapped his face really hard and turned to go home. Soon, Jasmine joined me and we walked home in silence.

I thought of the year I have wasted for him, I could have gone to Malaysia to continue my studies and what right does he have to do whatever he wanted. While he has been happy about breaking up with me, I've been crying and worrying about this bastard. The man I loved most suddenly became the man I hated most in just a matter of minutes.

Try to understand

I looked at Yunus who was nodding his head, agreeing with our friend Shamail. Though we were all gathered to celebrate his wife’s birthday, they seem to be involved in a very important discussion that they have forgotten about the rest of the gang. As I continued to gaze at him, I felt the familiar ache in my heart, a desire that has to be ignored for now because the time and the situation does not allow it.

Words cannot describe the amount of love burning through my soul and eating its way to the very core. But I have to be in control because I knew what I was getting myself into form the very beginning. So I smiled at his wife Zulfa who was as huge as a house and looked like she would give birth in a matter of seconds. She spoke to the person sitting next to her and she rubbed her bloated tummy which housed and nurtured their baby.

I looked away as the huge wave of jealousy engulfed me, feeling lonely and slightly guilty. ‘I am a home wrecker’, I thought feeling miserable. That very moment I caught him looking at me. When our gaze met, I was reassured that I wasn’t a home wrecker and I felt at ease and tried to enjoy the party.

When I reached home, I slowly opened the door to the apartment praying that no one would be home. I was welcomed by pin drop silence. ‘They must have gone for a walk, I thought happily as I slipped into my room and dropped my bag on the night stand. I stood in front of the mirror and no matter how hard I tried not to think of Yunus and his wife, my mind hurled back to the thoughts that depressed me most.

“I’m in love with wrong guy”, I finally managed to tell myself. Just then the phone rang and I didn’t even have to look at the display, I knew it was him. As soon as his deep melodical voice reached my ears, my worries left my heart and once again, it overflowed with love and longing. We chatted for a while and then he had to say goodnight. I tried to sleep but my body refused to comply so I tossed and turned for a good hour before I drifted off into the dreamland.

In my dreams, I usually meet him on the beach on the day I was trying to decide whether I should get divorced. Since he had been my friend for quite some time, I confided him about my marriage, about how I married a man that I didn’t love hoping that I would be able to love some day. You see, my ex-husband did love me a lot but the feeling wasn’t mutual. My friends and my family members urged me to accept his proposal since he was a well educated man coming from a good family.

While I dated him even, I tried to like him but my efforts failed me. My heart refused to love him and I told him frankly. He said he didn’t mind, it would all work out in the end. My friends advised me to marry him, according to them, once I married him, I would fall in love with him in no time. However, it never happened and as we reached our first anniversary, my husband even lost interest in me and though we were married we were like two stranger sharing the same bed at night.

I knew that he would never divorce me and I had to face this on my own. But once again, my friends barged into my life with their advice list. This time, having a baby was on top of their list. I knew for sure that a baby would not be able to make me fall in love with a man that I didn’t even fancy in the first place but I didn’t have the guts to do it. That’s when Yunus came into my life and on that very first day, when I opened my heart to him, I fell in love with him. Yes, I knew that he was married and that his wife was pregnant. That’s why I kept my feelings to myself until one day, he told me about his life.

His marriage was the result of two best friends with broken hearts trying to help each other. Yunus and his wife worked in the same office, their lovers left them and they were heartbroken. They were just having a coffee in the office canteen when they decided that love was not important, a friend who they could trust would be more appropriate as a life partner and that was it, they got married the next month and tried for a baby. After celebrating their first month together, his wife gave him the good news.

So after that particular afternoon in the beach, we started meeting each other there, just to talk and then we fell in love each other. After my divorce, Yunus and I started meeting each more frequently but I didn’t ask him to divorce his wife for me. But as the days continued, I so desperately wanted him to. He told me that he would, once the baby was born, he would talk to his wife and then walk into my life forever. I felt delirious just by thinking about it.

In my dreams sometimes I saw myself seated in the beach, my feet’s buried in the pearl white sand and the waves creating a soft rhythm to sooth my heart. When I look up, I would see Yunus, tall and handsome, dressed in a white shirt and blue jeans, his straight hair falling into his eyes, walking with open arms towards me. I would jump up and run into his open arms, hugging him with all my might, to never let go. However, this time, my dream was different. I woke up and checked the clock and realized that it was just three in the morning. What an awful dream, I thought, but I must seriously think about it, I thought to myself as I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. I flopped down on the sofa and thought about what I would do. I was sure about one thing, I had to do the right thing this time.

When I packed my bag and walked out of the house my mobile phone slipped from my palm and before it could hit the ground and break into a million pieces, Yunus caught it. I was grateful that he caught it and looked at him with an empty face. His eyes pleaded me, and even thought he didn’t speak, I heard his pleas. I tried to muster up every teensy weensy bit of courage that I had and faced him. We shook our hands for the last time and as the taxi approached my house, I got into it and never looked back, because I didn’t want him to see my tears, I didn’t want him to follow me.

As I sat in the small airplane, I looked out of the window for one last time before the plane took off to reach its destination, my island. Yes, I have done the right thing this time. I tried to smile bravely to myself, instead, I started weeping quietly. All I know is that a baby would need its mother and father, Yunus and Zulfa did get along well even though they were not in love with each other. My heart would heal and maybe I would fall in love again, time would heal everything. Yunus’s baby would have both parents to take care of him and that thought makes me happy no matter what and I hope that he would understand that I could never ruin an innocent child's life.